RETIRED:
Hugh Mein
Curses Broken: 1
Pwned by Furniture: 1
Vayne
Elder Evils Vanquished: 1
"Invincible" Foes Defeated: 1
Civilian Casualties: 9
Overly Complicated Plans: 1
DECEASED:
Dorilin
Curses Broken: 1
Beavers Summoned: 1
VD: 1
Broke out in Hives: 1
Alone Against an Army: 1
Not Really the End of the World: 1
Hulks Emasculated: 1
Punishment Completely Disproportionate to the Crime: 1
Responsibilities Shirked: 1
Not Really the End of the World: 1
Punishment Completely Disproportionate to the Crime: 1
Groupies for Life: 1
Responsibilities Shirked: 1
Daring Rescues: 1
Hearts of Darkness Illuminated: 1
Alone Against an Army: 1
Animal Rights Violations: 1
"Invincible" Foes Defeated: 1
Civilian Casualties: 9
Times Exploded: 1
Overly Complicated Plans: 1
Made a Midget: 1
Elder Evils Vanquished: 1
Hearts of Darkness Illuminated: 1
Daring Rescues: 1
Curses Broken: 1
Alone Against an Army: 1
Promises Kept: 1
VD: 1
Elder Evils Vanquished: 1
Hearts of Darkness Illuminated: 1
Daring Rescues: 1
Not Really the End of the World: 1
Maidens Ravished: 2
Hearts Crushed: 1
Struck While the Iron Was Cold: 1
Promises Kept: 1
Corpses Defiled: 2
Midgets Tossed: 1
Responsibilities Shirked: 1
"Invincible" Foes Defeated: 1
Curses Broken: 1
Alone Against an Army: 1
Civilian Casualties: 9
Saved by Sex: 2
Maidens Sacked: 1
VD: 1
KINGDOM OF CALDYRRIA: large country. Constitutional Monarchy. Shaped like France.
CALDYR (CALDYRRIA): bustling metropolis on the west coast of Caldyrria. Capital. Nobles live on nearby cliffs.
--Katya "Ghoststep" Springnobble (human catburglar): knows Memnon, Lazlo, Dorilin and Vayne. Adopted daughter of Gnomish explorer Norrin Springnobble, whose corpse was found in near the submerged temple of Blibdoolpoolp off Schiller's Bay.
--Anna Smith (human bureaucrat): majordomo to the civil government of the city of Caldyr (appointed, not elected). Prim and proper and evil. Distrusts Barrington and Clem, but appears to trust Ozrin.
--Marian Bjornsdottir (human researcher): young mousey mapkeeper of Caldyr. Works in the basement of city hall.
--Desh Wilkins (human janitor): young hapless & disaffected. Works in the basement of city hall.
--Cedric Shellanne (effete nobleman): life saved by Lazlo, Vayne, & Barrington.
--Millie Shellanne (down-to-earth noblewoman): wife of Cedric, almost fell for Barrington's charms.
--Aquos (water elemental): lives in the harbour and eliminates barnacles from all harboured ships when he's not tormenting fishermen.
CENDRIN (CALDYRRIA): larger town in the south of Caldyrria, on a wide river. Wild, frontier-like feel.
**BAND OF HEROES:
--"Tallboy" Tallahassee Wingnut (talkative halfling gent)
--Madrik Spleenhammer (rabid dwarf woman thing)
--Bertram Billerman "The Arcanist" (human wizard; glares)
--Mister Sawbones (the point at which 'extremely hot' meets 'extremely fucked up'; "there's blood trickling down the inside of her legs and it's not hers")
SQUINTON (CALDYRRIA): spooky mountain village to the east of Caldyrria that used to be watched over by the necromantic Farnsworth family. Lots of goats.
SCHILLER'S BAY (CALDYRRIA): fishing village on the north-west coast of Caldyrria. Near the ancient temple of Blipdoolpoolp, and thus occasionally invaded by Kuo-toa. People here are particularly retarded.
MELNORM (CALDYRRIA): unremarkable town in the central hills of Caldyrria, that occasionally gets threatened by orcs. Barrington, Talrin and Argyle bought horses here to get to Frimswood.
FRIMSWOOD (CALDYRRIA): defunct hunter-gatherer forest village on the road to Caldyr. Central. Devastated by Barrington, Argyle, and Talrin.
GUILDHOME (CALDYRRIA): town that has sprung up to meet the needs of the Adventurer's Guild (your guild), to the north of Melnorm and Frimswood. Adventurer-centric, lots of inns and whorehouses and magic shops and opium dens.
**THE CIVIL ENGINEERS:
--Edna the Succubus. Sex wrapped in glasses & labcoat. Wants revenge on Clem for electrifying her nipple and blinding her. Friendly, good at occult math. Bound to engineers by pact of abstinence, but they all really get along well together.
--Thompson (younger, impetuous; knocked Clem unconscious.)
--Wilson (the friendly one.)
--Nilsson (meek, smart.)
--Benson (older, mentor.)
--Smithson (proud, know-it-all.)
--Enwick (odd man out, always gets the shit jobs.)
* * *
KINGDOM OF MERRICK: medium country to the south of Caldyrria. Old powerful kingdom fallen into degeneracy & narcissism.
--Baron Smith Smythe-Wilkins, last scion of the house of Smythe-Wilkins. Brought doom to his ancestral home when he chose not to pay the Adventurer's Guild for services rendered, and now lives a transient life mooching off his relatives.
--"Merlin" Dennis Hemler. Ex-suitor of Lady Petunia Smythe-Wilkins. Effete nobleman who thinks he's a philosopher. Working on a book about how life is not worth living.
--Felix Smithson. Ex-suitor of Lady Petunia Smythe Wilkins. Effete nobleman who thought he was a tough guy until he went to prison for the murder of his rival Duke Thomas Whirton and learned he wasn't.
KINGSBRIDGE (MERRICK): capital. On a river. Main export: beggars.
--Marigold Santer (ex-lady-in-waiting): works with the poor. Admires & inspired by Ozrin.
* * *
KINGDOM OF SELDARIN: tiny island country off the coast of Merrick. Think Cyprus.
--Lord Reginald Sarnwood (status-obsessed nobleman)
--Lady Petunia "Tunia" Smythe-Wilkins (Sarnwood's wife; has pretty much slept her way through the entire kingdom of Seldarin, although Barrington missed his chance with her. Will die of ennui within five years. Or possibly syphilis.)
* * *
NO FIXED ADDRESS
--Leanne Jenkins, an attractive woman from Schiller's Bay, one of Barrington's conquests, now making her way in the world after having used the adventurers to free her -- first from the Kuo-Toa cultists of Blibdoolpoolp, and then from the horrors of life in Schiller's Bay.
**THE CLEAN-UP CREW
--"The Commander" (human leader; cigar.)
--Miss Jennifer Wilder (human wizard; finds you distasteful; puts on long gloves before casting spells.)
--"The Twins" (humans that look different from one another but move in complete unison.)
--Percival Bartleby (human knight; kind and apologetic but leaves a swath of destruction wherever he goes.)
**THE CLOUD PEOPLE
--They all look the same, with their pale skin and their reflective weapons and armor.
--Norma Fleisher, farm woman whose soul was crushed by the cloud people. Memnon tried to train her to be his herald, but he failed and she fled somewhere indeterminate.
**THE FINMAR PATHFINDERS
--A group of scouts and rangers with a storied past, now losing members due to poor leadership.
* * *
PLANES
--Vorthelmaas, demon prince of laziness and doing things half-assed (owes Memnon, Lazlo, & Vayne a favour).
CHAPTER 1: PERIL IN THE DEPTHS!
Argyle, Vayne, & Barrington prevent Kuo-Toa from fulfilling a prophecy and summoning an avatar of Blibdoolpoolp into the world, in a magical temple submerged off the coast of Schiller's Bay. Barrington ravishes the erstwhile sacrifice, Leeane.
MEANWHILE, Memnon, Hugh & Lazlo defeat a small orc tribe that was threatening the town of Melnorm.
CHAPTER 2: A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL
Vayne, Memnon, & Lazlo annihilate an operation that produces faulty magical items in Caldyr (capital city of Caldyrria), thereby gaining the favour of Vorthelmaas, the demon prince who had half-assedly enabled it. They are assisted by Katya "Ghoststep" Springnobble, one of the better cat-burglars in the city.
MEANWHILE, Barrington, Hugh, & Argyle eliminate a small band of forest bandits who were preying on travellers along the main roads -- at their treehouse hideout.
CHAPTER 3: HOME SWEET HOME
Hugh, Memnon, Argyle, & Dorilin defeat the cursed spirit of Mordred, the bloodthirsty warrior founder of the Farnsworth line, who were almost invariably scholarly genteel necromancers. Mordred's curse had corrupted the family estate and put the nearby town of Squinton in jeopardy. All but Hugh were infected with Ghoul Fever.
MEANWHILE, Lazlo, Vayne, & Barrington save Cedric Shellanne, the effete son of a nobleman, from his jealous rivals for the affection of a down-to-earth maiden. Barrington made an attempt on her honour, but she BARELY manages to resist. Several attempts on his life are prevented, both at his family estate and in the city of Caldyr.
CHAPTER 4: A WOLF IN THE FOLD
Argyle, Barrington & Talrin search for travellers' children who went missing in the town of Frimswood, a small forested hamlet on route to Caldyr. Initially worried about cannibal hippies, they slowly discover a cult that worships a wolf spirit of the hunt (who grants them powers similar to lycanthropy). Sylene, a maiden ravished by Barrington, devotes herself to the spirit (and dies for it), but the children are saved. OR ARE THEY?!?!
MEANWHILE, Lazlo, Memnon, and Dorilin go on a sewer adventure in Caldyr! Dorilin gets eaten by a sewer beast which is then dispatched with great gusto by Memnon. Katya the Catburglar came along for some of it.
INTERLUDE: THE SECRETS OF THE HEART
Baron Smythe-Wilkins of the Kingdom of Merrick hires Barrington, Lazlo & Ozrin to escort his extremely hot daughter to the fiancee he's arranged for her, Lord Reginald Sarnwood of the Kingdom of Seldarin. It turns out that Lady Petunia "Tunia" Smythe-Wilkins is incredibly slutty, and they are waylaid by four different suitors who try to elope with her. Barrington misses his opportunity to make a play for her. Along the way, one of the noblewoman's ladies-in-waiting, Marigold Santer, fell for Ozrin's holy zeal and decided to devote herself to good.
MEANWHILE, the Baron neglected to pay the adventurer's guild for services rendered, and thus Memnon, Talrin, and Lazlo were sent to collect. To no one's surprise this involved pillaging his ancestral home utterly and burning it to the ground. His lands were absorbed by a neighboring barony.
CHAPTER 5: DEATH FROM ABOVE 1279
Memnon, Clem, Talrin, and Argyle fend off an invading army of cloud people by destroying their magic beanstalk with the help of two other adventurer's guilds, the "Band of Heroes" based out of Cendrin and the "Clean-Up Crew", a roving group of troubleshooters of indeterminate origin. Memnon almost perished but was saved by the less-than-tender ministrations of Mister Sawbones. Clem became fast friends with the effusive leader of the "Band of Heroes", Tallahassee Wingnut (whose friendliness is indiscriminate). Memnon tried to turn a shell-shocked farm woman into his herald, but failed miserably.
MEANWHILE, Ozrin, Lazlo and Barrington headed to Squinton to protect a caravan of rare items from bandits. They fended off several attacks from orcs, bandits, and ninjas as the caravan made its way to Melnorm, passed through the husk of Frimswood, and finally arrived at Caldyr.
CHAPTER 6: I DON'T NEED YOUR CIVIL WAR
Clem, Barrington and Ozrin were hired by Anna Smith, uptight majordomo of the civil government of the city of Caldyr, to eliminate the city's "dangerous" civil engineers -- who had begun to delve into more occult avenues of research. They captured the engineers rather than killing them, but had to dispose of the engineers' more unstable creations (a gelatinous cube for cleaning sewers and sticky construction mold that had attained sentience). Clem caused serious annoyance to the engineers' resident succubus, Edna, by burning her clothes off, electrocuting her nipple, then blinding her.
MEANWHILE, Memnon and Talrin were sent to deal with some of the bandits who had attacked the caravan protected by their colleagues, specifically a large tough-guy type and a small, fast thief type. The bandits were summarily dispatched.
Be ready, gentlemen, for tomorrow's grand adventure! We will climb above the clouds...there to unleash Memnon on an entire culture of unsuspecting Sky People.
Be ready, gentlemen, for tomorrow's grand adventure! We will climb above the clouds...there to unleash Memnon on an entire culture of unsuspecting Sky People.
